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I am Sex Machine
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True story, or so it seems to be as of late. Sex
machine is what I am referring to. Don't take me the wrong way, I am not have
massive amounts of sex, or any for that matter. It is more that...well...I know
people are going to laugh. It just seems that chicks, or babes, or girls seem to
be taking much more notice of me this year. ...(pauses for the laughing)...Well,
I hope you are now all interested in my story. As I said already true story, or
so it seems.
So I am not sure what it was, but it had to have
happened this summer, or end of last year. I know this because when I went out
to Massachusetts with my sister, I was hanging out with my cousin and his
friends. We also hung out with his girlfriend and her friends. Her friends, or
at least one, made it obvious that they "dig" (for lack of knowing the past
tense of that) me. Yeah, flattering but nonetheless confusing. Why me? since
when has it been me? Now this I have thought through a bit. And I have come to a
conclusion for this scenario. The fact that I was something other than the norm
when it came to guys from the area, made me appealing...it makes perfect sense.
I see it with Matt Talp (spelling) and his sister. Most girls think he's "hot"
and most guys think she's "hot". So there is a reasonable explanation, no?
So I haven't done anything new this summer, except I
started weight lifting. But that really isn't noticeable, and if it is...would
that really help? I mean my good looks should be enough...I don't need muscle to
get the chicks, or babes, or girls. But other than that I haven't done anything
that could possibly make me more of a "sex machine."
At school too, I notice the chicks, the babes, and the
girls noticing me, or at least I think I do. I have found in the past few years
that I am not the best judge of when girls are flirting with me. But I think I
can notice it now. Well some of it. It seems to be more or less that the girls
who I never really talk to are now talking to me, without any prompting by me or
anyone that I know of. The most recent happened earlier today when I was at
confirmation class. A girl I have in my group for the past year, we have said no
more than...umm nothing to each other, just starts to talk to me today. Call me
crazy, tell me I am wrong, but that seems a little odd to me too.
So ladies, babes, chicks, girls if you are going to
find me attractive in any way, please tell me why. It would help me understand
all the chicks, the babes, and the girls out there. In fact it might help all
men understand them. Not for sure, but maybe.
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I've got Soul, I've got Rhythm, But no Heart
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“I got soul but I’m
not a soldier.”
“I have no heart.”
“As for you, my
galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to
have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.”
“I have a black hole
in place of one.”
“That must suck.”
“I was quoting
wizard of oz btw, the man and the movie (FYI).”
“I spend all my
energy making sure that no one gets sucked into the pull of it.”
“You serious? I’m
sorry it’s hard to tell sometimes.”
“It’s a difficult
job, but even lacking a heart I care for others.”
“Everyone has a
heart.”
“Except for me.
QUOTE:
We live in an age
when pizza gets to your home before the police.”
“LOL”
“Hearts are
fragile, but just because the get busted don't mean they aren’t there. They
make us human.”
“Are you saying I’m
not human?”
“No, I'm saying I
know you have a heart.”
“I’ve explained to
you that I don’t and what is in its place.”
“What happened to
it?”
“Well it’s a long
story. But I have time.”
“Me too, and if
you're willing to share I’d be happy to listen.
“Alright then, I am
ready for it. So here’s how it goes...”
It was about 10...no
12 years ago, I was on the verge of turning 6. Funny things started happening,
really funny things...
A man opens a theme
park where he displays his man made clones of billion year old dinosaurs, a
French man kills his whole family and then tries to burn himself (though not
really a funny thing in the sense of the others, but funny nonetheless), a
memorial to the made up story of mass slaughtering during WWII by the Germans is
erected.
Funny things were
happening, I tell you, funny things.
But a little closer
to home I noticed odd happenings. The most vivid happening was that Mongolia was
holding its first direct presidential elections. Now I know what you are
thinking, why is that so vivid? Well it just so happens that my 3rd uncle once
removed son’s friend happened to be one of the nominees.
Most people would
think that person is "distant" to me, but they were wrong. Me and Xiang Chin, we
were like this (crosses fingers)!
Well Xiang (I call
him X for short and because I cannot for the love of me figure out how to
pronounce his name) wanted to be president after years of doing what? None other
than being a professional groupie for Kansas (singers of the hit "Dust in the
Wind")
Well when X was
groupeeing, he got these strange thoughts; maybe from years of not using his own
mind and living off the thoughts of others, or from the pot he smoked...we'll
never know.
He started to get
suspicious that Kansas was putting coded messages to former USSR high
officials...his first thought was to ask them if it was true...but discarded
that when he realized that if it was true, they would kill him so their secret
didn’t leak.
Well he had two
choices, ask around and see if anyone else stumbled onto these messages, or take
the long road and find them himself.
Well X ended up
smoking another J and decided to find them himself, which was the right thing to
do because (though he didn’t know it) no one else had found these messages, not
even the Russians.
He got lucky, on his
first attempt of decoding the message (playing it in reverse, at 2/3 speed,
underwater) he heard it, though it wasn’t a message he was expecting.
Kansas was sending
him directions to some hidden location, or rather a man that knew a hidden
location of some secret object.
Well X took down
these directions, he had to piece them together from 12 different songs, and
then set off to follow them.
After a long
journey, almost 7 miles, X get to where the directions were leading. It was a
phone booth in the back of the Chucky Cheeses, he was supposed to make a call to
a number he would find written on a piece of paper shoved under the telephone.
Well when he got
there, there was a man on the phone, so he waited patiently for a few minutes.
Then he realized that this man wasn’t saying anything, so he tapped him on the
shoulder so he could talk to him.
X tells it like it
was, and from what he says it was slow motion, the man turns around slowly;
reaching into his coat, the man behind him saw his face first and yelled
EMILIOOOOOOOOO (BANG)! Emilio Estevez, the mighty ducks man, shot down the man
behind him, and had the gun pointed at X.
X thought fast, he
did the only thing he knew to do, he got down on his knees and cried. Well
apparently Emilio Estevez has this thing for crying full grown men, so he cut
him some slack.
He brought him back
to his luxurious loft downtown, where Emilio explained his story. To make a long
story short, Shoui Suzuki was out to kill him. He had somehow fallen across
plans for the Japanese version of the death star (it was essentially the same
except the circle that shot the planet destroying blast was only a small slit,
very hard to see through.)
X never did find out
how he came across these plans, but Emilio kept going back to something about
being wasted with some hooker and a massive bulge in some pants...good thing X
didn’t ask. Good for everyone’s sake.
Well any way, Emilio
needed help, and he needed it fast. So he told X that he had two choices, either
get him more people to help him fight Shoui or go home live peacefully and never
worry about it again.
Luckily for Emilio,
X smoked a J on the way back to the downtown loft, and agreed to the first
option.
That is where I came
in, X didn’t have any friends, since he was on the road with Kansas, even the
groupies weren’t his friends, so he went to the closest thing to family he had
left (the rest died in a very suspicious manner, something about green light
then a skull with snakes coming out of the mouth made of smoke floating in the
sky)
Well, I happened to
be the closest thing to family, and being only six, not knowing any better, and
it was my summer vacation, I went along, and oh I was bored too.
So I went with him,
Emilio’s brilliant plan was to sneak into the most secure part of Shoui's palace
and to confront him, luckily we had all watched enough movies and TV shows to
know that it was easy, and the bad guys dropped like flies right away. Or at
least without much trouble
So we make it into
the deepest part of the palace, and there is Shoui, sitting on his throne, a
beautiful half-naked French woman sitting on his lap and stroking his tiger.
We just waltz in,
hard thing to do with three people; a lot of stepping on feet was involved. And
Emilio confronts him, but before he can talk Shoui whips out some strange weapon
and fires it at him, the moment I knew this would happen, I dove in front of
Emilio because I had nothing to lose, the blast hits me and I go down, I was
merely stunned for a moment
But when I get up, I
notice that things on the wall are starting to move, loose object on the floor
are coming towards me, and Shoui yells FOOL! THAT GUN WAS BUILT TO ONLY KILL
EMILIO ESTEVEZ: THE MIGHTY DUCKS MAN! If it hits anyone else, it will vaporize
their heart, turning it into a black hole; you must try and block its power! So
I tried and tried, and as a dagger was hurtling at me, I finally got it; I
stopped the world from being sucked into the place where my heart used to be,
and saved the life of Emilio Estevez: The might Ducks Man.
That is how I lost
my heart and gained a black hole.
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Power? They Gave Me Too Much Power
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They were what we 'normal' people would call nerds,
dorks, even losers. They considered themselves whizzes. They were good at what
they did and knew it. They were programmers. Computer to be precise. They knew
their languages like the back of their hands, partly because they stared at them
for hours while typing. You ask them anything about them, you got it in an
instant.
Their teacher, their sensei, thought them all they
knew. He was there from the start. Starting them on BASIC, eventually moving
them to where they were now; full fledged, pocket protecting java pushers. He
thought both of them everything that he knew. But they craved more. So they
studied, taking in all that they knew. They created tricks of their own.
Then the time came for their final test. Their
sensei wanted a program to use for the school. A program that was simple, yet at
the same time complex. When they heard of their task, they immediately thought
that this was too good to be true. They had the power to create the program, but
then 'enhance' it to how they saw fit. But then the news came, their sensei told
them that he would personally check the code so there were no 'back-doors'.
Their smiles faded, spirits dropped. But they set to their task.
Months past by, and for a time it seemed that they
would not complete the task, that it was too complicated. One of them gave of,
but the other one, the more ambitious one kept on with it. Finally succeeding.
Their sensei was proud. He found no back doors.
________________________
Years had past. The whizzes had
moved on in their careers. They went their separate ways. But they eventually
found their way back to each other. They now had 'evolved' their way to being
hackers. They remembered the old program they wrote. They knew it like their
hands. Then they got the idea, they wrote the program, they knew how to get into
it. They realized that they didn't need their 'back-doors' they just need their
hacking abilities to get to the source code. They could put the back doors in.
It was genius. They set it in motion and within weeks they had succeeded.
The school's sprinkler system was
never the same...
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The New Kid, How Ignorant
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"Here is your locker. You seem to have a pretty good spot, in the middle of
everything."
"Thanks."
"Whoa, look away. Here he comes."
"Who?"
"Oh man, that sucks. Your locker is right next to his. It may be a good spot,
but you are going to have to see him everyday, and there is no avoiding it."
"Who is it? What is so bad about him?"
"Oh he is a nobody. Nobody meaning someone you don't want to talk to. Somebody
you don't want talking to you. Somebody you really don't want to be seen in the
general area of. He is the biggest, most arrogant, condescending jerk in the
school. And lucky you, a locker next to yours. But it's a good thing I warned
you."
"Thanks. So you are saying this kid has no friends?"
"Well that is a complicated question. Sure, he has a few friends, but everyone
else that he thinks are his friends just pretend. We have a lot of good actors
in this school, apparently."
"But I don't understand, what makes him such a big jerk. What could he have
possibly done?"
"He isn't nice to anyone, even his friends. Always saying mean things about
them. He even attacks some of them too, though I don't think any have ever been
hurt. He is just mean."
"I may be new here, and I don't know much about how life is here, but I think I
will give this a try. I'll give it a week, and then let you know what I have
learned about him for myself."
"Ok, but to me that sounds like social-suicide."
"Talk to you about it in a week."
_____________________
"So what did you learn?"
"I saw what you saw."
"So are you telling me that I was right and you wasted your time?"
"No."
"What do you mean 'No'. You said so yourself that you saw what I saw."
"True, but I also saw beyond that. I saw his intent, his way of doing things."
"What in the world are you talking about?"
"It is really quite simple. Everything he does, seems to be for humor. When you
see him being a jerk, I see him making a harmless joke that friends make. When
you see him attacking people, I see him goofing around, like normal people. I
never saw him trying to be mean, unless he was returning an unpleasant favor. He
was having fun the most of the time, the rest was sticking up for himself in his
own way."
"How can you possibly see this, and the people who have known him forever did
not notice."
"Sometimes it takes a strangers eye to see that is plain. I suggest you give him
a chance, I suggest everyone gives him a chance."
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Snow Day Like Snow Day
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I haven't written in a while now. I can tell by
your looks that you care deeply. But the fact still remains, I don't care. That
isn't, however, the reason I haven't written. It is more along the lines
of...there are no inspiring topics. Nothing that is truly motivating, something
that I will personally make time for. So, in lieu of that, I decided to take my
next topic idea from I guy I call
Meathead. I was
bored just now, so I went and read a few of his recent posts. The one that
caught my eye was about snow, and why we should hate it. Sounded good to me, I
can write why and how you should hate snow. So here it goes...
Lets start off with a few stories. A few weeks ago was
my girlfriend's father's birthday. I was invited over for dinner on that night
to celebrate. After work, I stepped outside and realized that it was snowing.
The snow was not coming down lightly. Well, for some reason, my mother let me go
anyway (which she later corrected herself). So I got in my lovely, now salt
covered truck, and started driving. Roads were already bad. I fishtailed a few
times in town and decided to play it safe when in the country. I found out the
hard way that when you have a visibility of at most 20 feet, brights do not
help. In fact, they make the situation worse. Well, out of town I find that the
roads are worse in the open because the wind is blowing drifts. I can barely
follow the tracks in the snow from the car I will later catch up to. If I did
not know the roads as I did, I am sure I would have ended up in a ditch. It was
bad.
Well, later that week after exams are over. I had gone
home for the afternoon. But then my girlfriend calls me and asks me to meet her
for lunch. I of course go in an instant. We get Chinese, sit and talk for about
an hour and a half, but then I have to go to get ready for work. As we are
sitting there, the snow starts and slowly picks up. By the time we leave, it has
been snowing for about 45 minutes. The roads are yet again in bad condition. So
I take the back roads to avoid the traffic. Bad idea. I fishtail badly at an
intersection, ending up in the other lane with a car coming at me. Luckily, the
car was a good distance away and saw me so it could stop in plenty of time.
Whew! But that isn't my story, only half. So I drive home now, much more
carefully. As I am slowing down to turn into my driveway, I start sliding. I
figure I will just have to back up to do it. There was no time. I was rear ended
by the car I didn't see behind me. If you saw the accident, you may have thought
to yourself, 'Where did the wall go that that car ran into, oh good that nice
truck pulled in front and stopped to help.' Yeah, try to think what that would
look like. You see my truck in all its splendor, then you see this car that will
probably not get to drive again. There is a funny side to this story. The car
that hit me was only a few years old, and the driver was taking it to trade it
in when he hit me.
Well, that is why snow should be hated it you drive. It
is cold, and its wet, and it gets everywhere. But what about you unfortunate
souls that can't drive, why should you hate it? Lets think for a minute. When
snow comes it is nice and warm, a pleasant day. No? Well, it for sure isn't a
pain to remove. No again? How about this, at least it doesn't bring and
dangerous friends when it comes. No!? I guess you are right. Snow means cold,
gloom. Gray everywhere. No light. All depressing. Who likes that? Here is
another thing we all hate. Shoveling. Is there a single person who likes to put
on numerous layers to go outside and work, where inevitable you will get cold no
matter how much work you do? I didn't think so. Finally, what dangerous friends
you ask. Think about snow melting ad freezing again, what does that make? That's
right, ice. Ice is a pain for driving, walking, and for some people trying to
stand. Just today, I was taking my first step to run to work, I ended up
slipping on the ice, falling, tearing up my knee and butt, and ripping my work
pants. It was lovely.
Now I bet you're thinking, 'Snow looks pretty though.'
You are, aren't you? Well, in truth it does. But you must learn to see past it.
When I see new snow I think, 'Wow, that's pretty. But wait, its gonna get ugly
soon enough.' When the snow is white, it is fine, but when it turns brown, it is
nasty for some reason. Better yet, when you stumble upon the snow turned yellow,
you hit the jackpot. It all ends up pretty...er...I mean....UGLY in the end.
Well, that is all for today. I hope you all leave here
with a new relationship with snow.
Salaam.
=Danny
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Fossil Fued
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Lets start out this entry with some math, shall we?
OK, I have 1 tan, 1988 Ford Ranger. Got that? Good. It has a 16 gallon tank on
it. I get approximately 205 miles for every 12 gallons. Which turns out to be
18.75 miles/gallon. Which means i can get roughly 300 miles to a tank. Got that?
Now it is roughly 1.5 miles to school every morning, and 1.5 miles home each
afternoon. That equals...anyone? That's right, 3 miles a day for driving to and
from school. I have to do that 5 days a week. That's 15 miles of driving to and
from school each week. Subtract that from 300 and your left with 285. Now, every
weekend I drive to and from my girlfriends house. I enjoy this drive, for
numerous reasons. I get to listen to a few tunes on the way, and I am going to
see my girlfriend. Anyway, it is roughly a 15 mile trip there, and a 15 mile
trip back. That adds up to be 30 a day. I usually make this trip twice a
weekend. Being a total of 60 miles each weekend. Now subtract that from the 285
and I have 225 miles left. Plus there is always the chance that I have to drive
somewhere else in the week. So I am going to add another 15 miles to take away
from the total. That leaves me with 205 miles left in my tank. Now lets add
another week. And subtract a weeks worth of miles (95 for those of you who
didn't keep track). I have only 110 miles left. That's about one more week left
for me to drive on. So per tank, I should get 3 weeks of gas. It never seems to
work out that way.
Lets do some more math. A good deal less though.
Currently, in Whitewater, WI, gas prices are ay $1.99 per gallon for the cheap
stuff. Which actually is $2.00 because of the 9/10 of a cent at the end of the
price. So, being that I have a 16 gallon tank, and gas costs $2.00 a gallon, and
I always fill up my tank to its max. So, 16 gallons * $2.00 makes me dish out
slightly less than $32 for a tank of gas (I don't wait for my tank to be empty
when I fill up). Now in my paycheck, which I receive every two weeks on Thursday
after 1:00P.M., I get roughly $110. Now, if I have to but gas that week, I
already lost about 30% of my check for gas. It kinda sucks.
Well...as you can see, I am not a big fan of the gas
industry. They cheat me out of my own, hard earned money that I have to spend on
their over-priced gas. And, to add to my story, it seems that every time I go
and buy gas, the next day the price drops a few cents. So I then proceed to
scream at every gas station that has gas cheaper than what I paid the previous
day. But then, in the back of my mind I think, 'Oh good, gas will be cheaper the
next time I buy it.' But it never seems to be, the price always rises up again.
I hate our economy.
Salaam,
=Danny
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Introduction to Production
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Well, I have sat at my computer, on and off for a few weeks now, trying to think of a good way to open my column. Apparently, there is no perfect way, which I am seeking. I thought, maybe I'll tell about myself and what I want to do. Or how it is too hard to open something about me, that a person like me needs no introduction. I also thought to go back in time and copy my first entry in my own site, but that didn't work when I read it. So here I am, sitting and typing how I have failed.
This is my new column. I wanted a place on AidanDennis.com so I could draw a larger audience to my writing, random babbling. Some of you may have read me before. As I have said, I design and operate my own website, www.dannysplace.8m.com. I enjoy writing there, it's a good way for me to vent whats on my mind. Here I plan on writing more about certain topics, rather than whatever is on my mind.
So I will go now. I plan to be back soon. Until the next, "Taim i' ngra leat."
Salaam.
=Danny
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Send responses to this column to danny@aidandennis.com.
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